About24. IU grad. about as lost as you are.
I would very much like to speak with DJ again
but mostly have sex with him
if you could please pass along the message to him
and have him get back to me reasonably soon
I’d really appreciate it
since we’ve not actually had sex since that one time in early May
and I’d like to do the sex thing again
Lily, who enjoys being thoroughly screwed by DJ while he grabs me by the ankles
Gordo and I are done fooling around for the time being.
He’s got way too much personal stuff going on, and I’m just… well… you know.
I’ll try to remember to write more about it later.
The most important thing is that we’re still close friends. And we still trust each other. And at the end of the day, I can count on him if shit goes down.
Love ya, kid.
GORDO AND I HUNG OUT LITERALLY THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.
And it was great and wonderful and so relaxing and I was so happy to have him around and he and Mac got along great which was awesome and we just talked about things and it was wonderful
but it was SO WEIRD to spend this much time with him
because he’s not been around
because he’s always traveling and also he was definitely way more into things with his other gals
and now I don’t think there are any other gals
and IDK guys it was just weird
but good weird
I’m just really weirded out
but very, very, very, very happy.
May 16th// 11:08 pm
“Hey, I guess you’re asleep. Call me back when you wake up”
July 24th// 5:04 am
“Wake up I miss you”
September 8th// 2:09 am
“I just wanted to hear your voice”
September 8th// 2:16 am
“Okay listen. I think I might be in love with you please call me back.”
October 11th// 5:42 pm
“Baby girl I love you, I’m so happy you’re mine I’ll see you tonight.”
November 29th// 8:06 am
“You’re still asleep and you’re the most beautiful thing in the world. I can’t wait to get home and see you. I can’t wait to kiss you.”
December 12th// 9:16 am
“Look I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. I still love you princess. I love you. I’m sorry. I just.. I love you alright. Call me back when you can.”
January 15th// 4:06 pm
“I’m out and I saw something that made me think of you so I thought I would call you. I miss your voice.”
January 18th// 9:12 am
“Baby get dressed, I’m picking you up in 15, let’s run away.”
January 23rd// 8:47 pm
“Oh god your mother hates me”
February 14th// 3:06 pm
“Happy Valentine’s day I love you more than anything. You’re the world. You’re everything good. I’d let you swallow me whole. I like the way you look when you’re tired. I hate it when you cry. I’ll see you tonight baby.”
February 24th// 12:09 am
April 8th// 4:06 am
“Hey… I need to come over and get the rest of my stuff.”
When I was a little girl, all I ever dreamed about was my soulmate
My perfect match
My future husband
Thinking that one person was the most important thing in my life
And thinking that one person would fit all of these descriptions
We are all trained, I think,
To want to seek out this one person
We have been taught to romanticize petty behaviors and mannerisms
Taught that when a boy pushes you, that he likes you
That when he makes you laugh more than anyone else
He should be rewarded with your love and adoration
And when you find your person, you are then whole.
In my mind I chased after boys
I don’t think I even spoke to them in real life, most of the time
Unless they were discussing a topic I found interesting
Or was knowledgeable in that area
I didn’t flip my hair until college
I wore what I wanted to wear- jeans that never fit right, musical theater tshirts, oversized hoodies-
I talked how I wanted to talk, with poignance and opinions based off of fact
And in that sense I was free
And I think that bizarre, tiny sense of freedom
Gave people the idea that I was independent
That I was my own person
When, really, I was just raised by a very good mother
In a Democratic household.
But most fear what they do not understand
So they avoided me
And I felt alone in my most vulnerable years
Because I had been taught to seek out my one person.
I have been with two males- a boy and a man.
The boy, my first love, was not worthy of me
And my mind
And my power
And my love.
But, as many do, I did not believe in myself or find value in myself
And poured my thoughts and emotions into the soulless body of this boy
Who took my light and energy
And turned it into darkness.
I don’t know what it was about you, boy-
And I say boy because you were no man when we were together-
But somewhere down the line you began to resent my freedom,
My growing confidence and evolving form,
Or, perhaps, it was that you hated yourself and your life
And could not stand to watch my light grow.
Is that why your palm met my cheek when I grew angry?
Is that why your hands tightened around my neck?
Is that why you continued to force your way into me
Into my life
Into the things and people I cared about most
Even when I had doubts or said no?
I said no. You didn’t stop. You wouldn’t let me leave.
And then, suddenly, you couldn’t wait to be rid of me-
You were never a man, merely a fool with too much time on his hands.
The man, my second love, the one I thought was my true love
He was going to rescue me.
He was The One, making me feel whole after The Boy.
What I didn’t realize until it was too late was that
I wasn’t actually whole
I was barely half full
I just felt whole because The Boy had emptied me.
So I lied, not on purpose, to this man
Saying how he was the one, we were meant to be
I felt so much love and would do anything for him
And then life happened, and things got tough
And we both let each other down in the most horrible way.
The worst thing about abusive relationships-
That you have the hardest time bringing yourself to leave,
And you don’t know if it’s because you’re scared
Or because you feel guilty.
We both had light, but we were only half lit
And as we tried to save each other’s light
We neglected to care for ourselves
And The Man regressed to boyhood
As he wrapped his hands around my neck.
Then again, I can’t speak for myself about my regression
As I initially fought back, then fought to save our relationship.
I tried to give you the world, darling,
I would’ve given you the moon and the stars and every bright thing in life
But I’m glad you wanted none of those things
Because I needed to save my own light.
From what I understand, soulmates
Are meant to complete you
Make your world perfect
Love you unconditionally
Rescue you from the big dark bad things in this world
And I’ve been looking for my rescuer this whole time
Searching for him every time I laugh or am intrigued or feel a spark
Which is the worst thing I can possibly do.
These males have brought so much harm upon me
And maybe some people think that means I really should be rescued by
But I think that maybe I don’t need to be rescued
Maybe I don’t need to be completed
Maybe my world doesn’t need to be perfect
Because nothing is perfect
Maybe I need to love myself unconditionally.
It’s the corniest thing, and egotistical I’m sure
But I believe it to be true.
I used to want to find my soulmate more than anything else
My one true love
My perfect match
My future husband
Now I just want to make myself whole on my own
Without saying “no” and being blatantly ignored
And without having my light taken from me.